The "Straight" Gay Guys- Page 3

[EricMontreal22]

Posted: 2/5/14 at 8:52pm

Not to sound overly optimistic, Broomstick but I do think the younger generations make far less of a deal about this. Even with the fact that I even know many people who say things like "that's so gay." I think due to many things about the times we live in (social media the extreme right who are so up in arms with gay rights/marriage, even 24 hour news) it can seem like there are so many young gay suicides, bullying etc, and I think the bullying is more extreme. But, while I think it's foolish to tell any young gay person that they'll have an easy time of it, I do think there's less "casual" (for lack of a better word) bullying and that overall it has gotten better.

[tomatlcm]

Posted: 2/5/14 at 10:48pm

I'm a 22 year old Gay Man who is very happy within his own self but that has come with time. It took me a years to come to terms with the fact that I was Gay and to accept who I was.
The main problem I had was like a few hundreds of other young boys, I was that stereotypical camp kid. I crossed my legs, sung in the choir and everyone seemed to know I was "a gay" except for me. I was about 7 when people started telling me I was Gay. This was before I even new what being Gay even was! All I could work out was that it couldn't be a good thing because everyone seemed to be picking on me for it. Of course the teachers would stop the kids if they heard it but no one ever explained to me what homosexuality really was. I can't even remember discussing it with my parents.
This carried on and got worse all the way up to the end of high school(british high school so I was around 15/16). I'd begun to realise that I was homosexual and I was devestated. It felt like I was proving everyone who had picked on me and laughed at me and made me cry right. It didn't feel like accepting who I was. It felt like giving in. I tried to convince myself that if I tried hard enough I could love a girl. I even tried asking a female friend of mine out(now that was interesting!) but you can't escape what you are.
Then I did something that I'm still ashamed of to this day. I had a male friend at school, we sat at the same table at lunch, we were good friends and people picked on him just as much, if not more than me. We got very close and one day we were talking on the internet and he told me that he thought he was gay and that he thought he liked me. I completely freaked out. I told him he was out of his mind, that he should stay away from me and then I completely outdid myself. I outed this brave person to the kids who had been picking on the both of us for 5 years. He never once called me on it but we never spoke again properly.
After high school I went to college (which is before university in Britain) to do a performing arts course. I discovered Angela Lansbury, Chita Rivera and Patti Lupone. I found the music of Sondheim, Kander and Ebb and with it my own identity. But most importantly I found a group of people who accepted me for who I was. They gave me the strength and the confidence to come out, to them first and then to my parents(who were amazing!) and the ability to start living my life as someone who could accept himself.

I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what I did to that boy. I've searched for him for years and never been able to find him. It was a cowardly thing to do and I wish I could go back in time to smack some sense into the young me. I would tell myself and every other young man or woman struggling with there sexuality to embrace who you are! People don't like you? Well Stuff them! Anybody worth a damn will accept you for who you are, everyone who won't is a waste of time!
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say with this post but it definitely feels good to put this into writing. I've never said it out loud before. It feels good to get it out in the open even if "the open" happens to be cyber space.

[NYadgal]

Posted: 2/5/14 at 11:22pm

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I'm sure others here can guide you and support you with wiser words than mine. I just want to let you know it made me glad that you feel this is a trusted place to tell your story and face your past. I hope it helps you find a way to heal.

All of the stories shared in this thread represent vulnerability. To trust us enough to share them means so much.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 2/5/14 at 11:27pm

Yes. And your story reminds me of an old social worker line: "Hurt people hurt people."

You do have to give yourself a break though, the bigots in your world did everything they could to turn you into a monster. And you got out from under that word Panti used so often in the video: the OPPRESSION.

[CarlosAlberto]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 5:36am

This thread touches my heart. Bless all of you for sharing.

xoxoxo

[JerseyGirl2]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 5:51am

Last night, I was thinking about this thread while lying in bed. The kiddo woke very briefly, looked over at her mamma then up at me, making sure we were both there, wrapped her arms around my shoulder and went back to sleep. She also said her first phrase this week. She said, "I love you." Okay, she actually said something more like, "Ahlaoo," but it was repeating what I said. She doesn't know what it means, but it's what she hears the most. That airport bitch can suck it. My kid is awesome.


I love this random group of friends we've created here. We can bicker, debate and disagree, but at the core, there are some phenomenal, incredibly supportive folks here.

Updated On: 2/6/14 at 05:51 AM

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 11:30am

^ I love that we've gone through births and deaths...marriages and break-ups together. It's remarkable.

tomatlcm,

I promise you, there will come a point in your life where you will be able to forgive yourself. You'll always hate the choice you made, but life is going to take you places that give you new perspective on who you are and how you got to be that person. And, at some point, you'll be able to breathe and put down the burden that you're carrying.

I make terrible choices every single day. I try to learn from them, but sometimes the lesson takes a while to sink in. As Namo pointed out, 'hurt people hurt people.' If you know that, you can start to make different choices. You can name your pain and, eventually, give it up. It may never go away. But it will lessen.

[Broadwayboobs]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 12:22pm

JG2,I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I feel sorry for your sons". Some of those coming from family members...heck even a sibling. Talk about a punch in the stomach. When it comes right down to it though the only ones I really care about their feelings are my sons. And they don't seem to have any issues with who I am or who I love. They adore my partner and bring their friends over for visits. They even have a couple of friends who have gay parents. Their friends who parents are straight feel they're missing out. LOL I guess this is why I've always felt lucky. Lucky to have amazing sons, friends and all of you wacky people. Like Robbie said...we've gone through a lot together and I'm thankful to have been there for most of it.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 3:39pm

I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what I did to that boy.

Oh, but you must. Forgiving ourselves for what we did out of self-hatred is crucial to ending the cycle.

Someday you'll run into him and you'll both have a chance to speak. Meanwhile, WE forgive you and want you to forgive yourself.

[CarlosAlberto]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 3:54pm

^ THIS x INFINITY

...this thread is getting me teary-eyed.

I can be such a wuss sometimes.

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 4:18pm

SOMETIMES? Butch it up, Maria.

See, kids. That's oppression. That's checking. And it's wrong. Don't be like me.

[CarlosAlberto]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 4:24pm

SOMETIMES? Butch it up, Maria.

I love you for that!

[YouWantitWhen????]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 4:35pm

As an ally who hopes these stories increasingly become a thing of the past, all I can say is that you are all incredibly strong, brave and thoughtful in overcoming the hate and ignorance, and sharing your experiences and pain so graciously with others.

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 6:57pm

Luckily I never really did anything to anyone. Of course I got in arguments with people but I never said anything really cruel other than something like "you're stupid you have no idea what youre talking about" but I doubt that would have any effect on them. Although, when that kid was yelling at me to get out of the locker room, I was so close to fighting him. He was a little bigger in me in height and weight but I think I was stronger than him. Plus with my anger I could've probably done a lot of damage to him. But then I just felt like it wasn't worth it and I wanted to come out of it being the better person. Which is what I do whenever I get in arguments with people.

[EricMontreal22]

Posted: 2/6/14 at 9:09pm

These posts initially made me think that I was lucky that I never was bullied or called gay. But I can remember a few things that stuck. When I was in grade 5 at recess I was really close to a friend and I remember we used to hold hands and talk at recess. To be honest, though I certainly had crushes on guys by that age, I didn't have one with him at all--my twin sister held hands with her best friends, it just never occurred to me until some kids did call us fags. I made sure never to do that again (and actually sorta started keeping my distance from him--though we recently reconnected on FB--he's very straight but a great guy.) Of course in other cultures, that have their own very ****ed up homophobia, male platonic friends hold hands all the time.

I remember too that when I went to high school I went to a school that was known for being a bit rough (well, it had a big drug problem anyway,) but besides having the city's best rugby team it also had the best theatre program. I transferred partly thinking along the lines of "well now it will be easy to come out, and meet other out kids." This was the early/mid 90s, and I think things are a bit different now, but the irony was there were only two "out" teens in the program -- who I found way too flamboyant and kept my distance from, and the program itself was held in such high regard in the school that many of the cliche jocks would want to be involved, or everyone would try to get invites to the theatre program. I finally came out the summer after graduation when one of our shows traveled to a theatre contest and everyone was genuinely shocked -- while here I had spent the past three years confused and ashamed, thinking that everyone must know I was gay and were just ignoring that. I feel guilty now that I wasn't more open about it, and didn't try to avoid the two guys who were whenever they would try to be friendly.

(Of course I think some of it was just an age thing and more of them were gay than I realized myself--even in first year theatre at university I had the same experience--I was out but the only other out guys were in the higher years. But by second year a good percentage had come out--which by that point I found annoying myself. I mean why waste a good year of taking theatre in university if you're not gonna have a lot of gay sex with your schoolmates?)

[HorseTears]

Posted: 2/7/14 at 6:39am

Wait. JerseyGirl, your kid sleeps in your bed?


Also, you guys are awesome for sharing these stories.

[JerseyGirl2]

Posted: 2/7/14 at 8:28am

Yes, HorseTears. She's not even a year yet. We safe co-sleep. She's never slept in a crib outside of the occasional nap.

[Patronus]

Posted: 2/7/14 at 11:39am

I have experienced a good bit of these things myself and I am heterosexual.

I grew up in Georgia, danced, played the flute, did musical theatre etc. I even wore a shirt that said DIVA quite often my senior year.

I moved to a very latino portion of California when I was 18 and started getting called racial slurs like "Gringo" because I was in the wrong town.

I don't pretend to have even the tiniest idea what it's been like for you guys to life like this way and be harassed for being yourself in such a personal way, but I have felt little stabs of it too from time to time.

Thanks for sharing your stories.

[StockardFan]

Posted: 2/7/14 at 12:41pm

OK, I'm just now seeing JG2's original comment. That effing pisses me off.

[EricMontreal22]

Posted: 2/8/14 at 11:33am

This thread has made me see a lot of people in a different way. I like it.

[seaweedjstubbs]

Posted: 2/8/14 at 12:34pm

I know I don't post here that often, but these stories have touched me so deeply that I felt compelled to share a bit of my story too.

I barely knew what being gay was until I got to middle school. I'd been around plenty of gays in the theatre, but they didn't seem "different" to me, just funnier and more fun than other people in the cast. As I got more and more into theatre, I'd start bringing books and CDs from shows that I'd just discovered to school. I'd take out the vocal selections to Wicked, Hairspray, or The King & I (which I'd just performed in that summer) and sing to whoever would listen. This caught the attention of two guys who's names I'll never forget, Ian and Zach. They came up to me and ask - in front of all my friends - "Hey, are you gay?" I'd never been asked that before and never even considered it. How could I, a preacher's kid, be gay? I told them no, and hoped that would be the end of it, but it wasn't. Every day after school they'd come up to me, calling me a Fag, snatching my books out of my hand and laughing at the lyrics (I remember them finding the lyrics "I hold my head erect" particularly amusing, because anything that remotely has to do with a penis is hilarious in middle school). People who I considered my friends didn't even stick up for me. I felt so alone and humiliated.

Eventually, I got tired of it. I played the alto saxophone and would have to carry it everywhere. If either of them came up to me in the hall, I'd hit them in the knee hard with my saxophone case. Probably not the best way to deal with bullies, but it sure felt good! Eventually, the taunts didn't come as often, but I wasn't satisfied with that. I wanted them to apologize. I needed them to apologize.

Well y'all, thanks in part to the power of theatre, I kinda sorta got what I wanted. I played the King in our school's production of Cinderella (not the musical). Each grade (6th, 7th, and 8th) had a day when they could come see the show. The day after we performed for the 8th graders, Ian came up to me after school. "Hey Patrick." Greeaaatttt, probably back to tell me how much of a Fag I am. "You were really good in the play." I was shocked. There was absolutely no hint of sarcasm or mocking in his voice. He was being 100% sincere. It was almost better than him saying "I'm sorry." He admitted to liking the thing that I loved most - the thing that earlier in the year he had teased me for loving. It was the first time that I witnessed how theatre can change people, even just a silly show like Cinderella.

The other bully, Zach never saw the show and never really apologized, but he did have some pretty sore knees by the end of the year.

Now, I'm a 21 year old senior in college majoring in Musical Theatre who's completely and totally happy being a gay man. I haven't had too many people call me a Fag to my face, but that might be because I'm a 6'4" black guy who looks pretty intimidating until he smiles! I haven't "officially" come out to my family yet, but deep down inside, they know it, haha! I'm hoping to move to New York soon after I graduate and continue to change people's hearts with the power of theatre. :)

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 2/8/14 at 12:43pm

"Probably not the best way to deal with bullies, but it sure felt good!"

Sounds effective to me.

[Jay Lerner-Z]

Posted: 2/8/14 at 3:16pm

I just came out this morning. For the 126th time. I first came out at age 15 (or at least was outed at the dinner table by my sisters), and since then I've come out and out and out many times, over and over again.

I've been lucky with regards to bullying and other homophobia, but I find the presumption of heterosexuality oppressive.

Updated On: 2/8/14 at 03:16 PM