Bette Midler is playing in “Hello, Dolly!” on Broadway. As far as most people are concerned, this review could end right here. The box office at the Shubert Theatre has been printing $100 bills by the truckload ever since previews for the show started in March, and no matter what I or anybody else has to say, it will continue to do so as long as Ms. Midler doesn’t slip and fracture a tibia. She is what she is, “Hello, Dolly!” is what it is, and putting the two together is as close as show business gets to a no-brainer: “Dolly” won’t work without a superstar in the title role and Patti LuPone is otherwise occupied, so casting Ms. Midler as Dolly Gallagher Levi, the matchmaker with a big heart and an empty purse who longs for a rich husband to ease her life, makes perfect sense. That’s the theory, anyway, and judging by the show-stopping shrieks of joy that greeted Ms. Midler when she made her first entrance on Wednesday night, her fans are going to love this revival. I’ve never seen a performance of anything at which there was so unanimous a consensus on the part of the audience that the diva could do no wrong.
Perhaps critics ought not to dash cold water on such displays of collective affection, but the producers of “Hello, Dolly!” are charging $169 for an orchestra seat, for which reason it seems to me that I have an obligation to report honestly on what I saw and heard. So here goes: Ms. Midler’s singing voice is in a desperate, sometimes shocking state of disrepair. If you remember what Ethel Merman sounded like in her last years, you’ll know exactly how she sounded in “Before the Parade Passes By.” I’m not sure whether she’s suffering from an acute case of laryngitis (her speaking voice was hoarse as well) or the inescapable effects of age (she is 71). Whatever the reason, her singing suggested that she’d have trouble making it through the curtain calls, much less the run of a show as demanding as “Dolly.” As for the rest of the performance, Ms. Midler doesn’t even bother to act: She simply comes on stage and plays her familiar self, albeit at a disturbingly low level of energy. Unlike Carol Channing, who created the role, she can’t dance and isn’t funny (I was actually embarrassed by her mugging in the courtroom scene). All she has to offer is the memory of a great career, and if that’s enough for you, then you’ll be happy to shell out to see her in “Hello, Dolly!”
Ms. Midler is playing opposite David Hyde Pierce, who is all wrong as Horace Vandergelder, the blustering miser who falls for Dolly after fighting off his inescapable fate right up to the finale. He is, to be sure, a talented actor, but his lightweight charm is utterly ill-suited to the role, and I’ve no idea what possessed him to speak his lines in a now-you-hear-it, now-you-don’t Groucho Marx accent. What’s more, he and Ms. Midler have no romantic chemistry at all, which makes the show even less dramatically plausible.
Jerry Zaks and Warren Carlyle, the director and choreographer, have staged this revival in a cartoonish manner. That’s appropriate in a way, since “Hello, Dolly!” is a cartoon version of Thornton Wilder’s “The Matchmaker,” the enduringly winning 1955 farce from which it was adapted by Jerry Herman and Michael Stewart in 1964. Nevertheless, it’s possible to perform “Dolly” with the same unforced sweetness and underlying emotional seriousness that make “The Matchmaker” so satisfying a romantic comedy, and that’s what’s wrong with Mr. Zaks’s staging: It’s totally unfelt. Every supporting performance is a grotesque caricature—even Kate Baldwin and Jennifer Simard, two of Broadway’s best musical-comedy actors, are here reduced to the most benumbingly obvious of clichés—and every laugh is jerked out of the audience by brute force instead of emerging naturally from the script. As for the musical numbers, they’re camped up to the hilt, an approach that puts an odd spin on “It Takes a Woman.”
I very much liked Santo Loquasto’s deliberately old-fashioned sets and costumes, which would have served a better production very well indeed. It was also a pleasure to hear the 22-piece pit band, which played Larry Hochman’s new orchestrations with satisfying professionalism. But there is nothing else good to be said for this “Hello, Dolly!” While the show itself, like all of Mr. Herman’s musicals, is lapel-clutchingly cheery to the point of diminishing returns, it’s not hard to see why it was and is so popular, nor is it impossible for skeptics to appreciate a production that makes the most of its cornball charms. This one makes the worst of them.